So today I went for a run and I had a good cry. It’s been a while since I had a physical release of both sweat and tears, but Lord knows it’s been a rough 2020 for everyone.
And at this moment, I’m just going to speak as a covid bride aka a woman who just wanted to have her dream wedding marrying her Prince Charming and seeing her family and friends become one, but covid had other plans. As y’all know I’m a super planner and my wedding has been planned since the tender age of 12. I still have my Lisa Frank suitcase (yes, the brand of unicorns and rainbows) with my cut outs from Modern Bride (yes, I was a middle schooler with a Modern Bride subscription!) of my color palate, wedding dress, flowers, etc. And for those who personally know me, it was touch and go for a few years if I was ever going to be married until Brian came into my life! It felt like the pieces were coming together and he put a ring on it, we signed venue and vendors contracts, flights and hotels were booked and we were ready to go with less than 100 days and counting.
Then covid hit and the world as we know it has changed! So I had a good cry today (and many other days) about not only the world changing, but also our dream day being postponed. The focus at that time was (and still is) that our family and friends stay safe and healthy and we hoped that things would be better in a few months to still have our dream day albeit a little postponed.
Well fast forward a few months and well, it’s still pretty sucky. We’re still in a pandemic, jobs have been lost, people have been lost and it’s just overall not such a happy place. Oh and now on top of it, our postponement doesn’t seem to be happening again and well, now here I am sitting on the floor after having a good run (seriously always a proponent for movement and exercise!) and a good cry. I know a wedding isn’t the most important thing in the world and yes, I’m definitely counting my blessing of health and family and Brian. But man oh man, has it been a rough go to feel like our dream day is never going to come. It really does feel like “always a bridesmaid and never a bride” as I’m going on being a bridesmaid 9 times and currently still zero as a bride. Yes, dark humor, but have to find ways to laugh or I would just cry.
So as a super planner, I’m kind of at a loss because I can’t plan my way out of this. We’ve tried backup plans and had a minimony (a mini ceremony on our original date to make it legal and so we could move in together – yes, we’re old school) which was nice, but also hard for me as my family couldn’t be there in person. Then we thought even if we can’t have our full blown wedding during our postponed date we could at very least do a micro wedding (a scaled back version of our wedding plans at our venue with our caterer, in the dress and with less guests), but even that plan can’t come to fruition now. So right now I’m mourning the loss of what could have been and also just mourning so many unknowns. I hope that one day we can celebrate with family and friends and one day I can wear my dress – like seriously I LOVE my dress, it needs to see the light of day! So to my fellow covid brides, it’s okay to be sad and mad and all the feelings. Actually to everyone and anyone, if you need a shoulder to cry on, well heck let’s cry together! #loveisnotcancelled