I always said my blog would be about things that made me happy like high tea and places I’ve traveled, but overtime it became random musings like about diaper bags and thoughts I have on the airplane with MOST of them being in the tone of joy. However since pandemic, my blogs have been a little more…somber? And maybe that comes with getting older and more life coming at me so just want to say thank you for continually supporting me as we do this life thing – good and bad.

When the miscarriage happened and even the few months after, I never thought about how much my relationship with my female friends would change. My friend who struggled with infertility for a few years had told me that she felt like she missed out on life experiences when she was trying to conceive because it colors all aspects of your life – a baby shower, a baby announcement, it all feels differently when you want it so badly and you don’t have it. When she said that I honestly thought, I can compartmentalize and keep it separate – I won’t need space from my friends in these moments.

And I’ve always thought I was a pretty good friend to support during the chapters of life: engagement, marriage etc and also since I work in the baby industry, I’m the #babyguru and would help at installing car seats and recommending baby products. But all that has taken a back seat this year….with every birth announcement, I feel like a part of my heart breaks and I don’t know how to react. My brain feels stuck on overload because I feel joy for my friend, along with grief for myself and then anger for not feeling 100% joyful for my friend. I hate this so much and I keep thinking, it’s a one off, I’ll bounce back…but at this point I now have 10 friends expecting in the next 6 months and as happy as I am that I’m going to be an auntie 10 times, I also just want to be a mom so badly I can’t be fully present! And slowly I’ve had feelings of jealously creep up of how easy it is for others to get pregnant and/or have kids and I’m trying so hard to be aware and feel it and move past it and not dwell in it, but knowing it doesn’t make it any easier. My therapist says it’s okay to feel all these emotions at once since one doesn’t negate the other…but it’s still hard regardless. To my irl friends, if I’ve been a little removed or MIA, please know it’s not cuz I don’t love you and don’t want to celebrate you – I just don’t know how to handle all these emotions right now so thank you for being patient with me.

And for those who might be feeling like me and/or are struggling on their journey to expand their family, it honestly is a one day at a time or even one hour at a time – that’s what people keep telling me. Be gentle with yourself. And I’ve said this before, but just to remind you, that you’re not alone – at the end of the day, I know I personally just don’t want to feel so alone so praying baby dust and/or rainbow babies for us all xo